Landslide

I need to record these thoughts to both assess myself and to be certain I make informed and definite decisions about the future. Nothing more have I sought, in life, than truth -- in family, in relationship, in learning, and in value. I have not experienced much psychological breakdown, recently, even though my mind is constantly filled with conflict. I am learning to live by principles, stay aware, and learn to love where I am -- without over-thinking. Of course, this is terribly difficult for me; but, "we try anyways."

This one thing, though (this is usually how moments of overcoming and transformation occur) I cannot shake. And, it is an issue I wish I was not afflicted by; but, the mind has a way of repressing and protecting. As life happens, I have learned that our minds are always storing information, making connections, ascertaining our issues, and essentially sheltering itself, so as to not be troubled by the situations surrounding it. The issue I am suddenly troubled with is the one with my biological father. He has never significantly hurt me, except to be an "absent" presence, in my life. My father, who I do not call "dad," has always had an open door to me, as his child. I realize that now, because any mother who wants to keep the father away will protect the child from knowing the father. But, I know my dad, and I know now that he chose not be a major fixture, of my life. I am from a small city; and, even though, my mother moved twice before I reached the age of 12, the opportunity remained for my father to be more of somebody for me; to be important. In those efforts to relocate, my mother was seeking love; but, she was also seeking opportunity for her children because we moved to metropolitan cities that were diverse, offered more than we were informed about, and provided resources to our family that propelled us into the future. My father, on the other hand, has always been a "small town" simple guy. I can appreciate that. Some people are that way. But, in general, a child -- without question -- propels a person to want more. Whether it is to want more money, want a better career, want to provide so the child understands you care, want a family....want something more from life. I have never seen my dad want more. He is okay, it seems, with everything the way it comes. He has not had an established relationship, girlfriend, no other children, and no new personal properties in the way of house, car, hobbies, and interest, except from those replaced because a previous item was damaged. 

My father just is not a man to be very concerned. When he calls me on the phone, he calls to verify I am "okay," which is essentially to be alive and not homeless. He speaks very shortly about situations he encounters with his friends: things he should have said, people he actually detests; he also talks about the going-on of his siblings well-being; and finally, he talks about his failing health, residual money problems with the IRS, and usually my mother's well-being will come up. I am not terribly selfish, and I am a good listener. But, my father does not show much interest in me. He will ask about work (when I was younger it was school), and he will inquire about my relationship status, and provide a tip on my need to find a girl. That which I explained has long been the extent of the relationship my father has chosen to establish with me. I would not feel comfortable, at this stage in life, even opening up to talking to him about my own personal life. He often use to spend most of a conversation berating my mother for the supposed selfish ways she did not allow him access to me. This is how I have come to know and anticipate my dad to be. But, as I open my eyes today, I realize he was the failure. I was not in any court-ordered custody. My father could have, hypothetically,  come stolen me from my mother, and she may have not fought him for custody, if he was a better dad. But, he obviously was not upstanding during their intimate relationship, and certainly I see that same truth in my relationship with him, as father and son. I suspect he assumed the relationship was hopeless, by default of separation? What a terrible thing for a father to give up on his child. My father was always evasive about coming around, although he lived just across town many years of my childhood. It was, as if he was shy; too shamed of something. For example, he would park a block from my grandmother's home to come visit me, then summons a neighborhood kid or my uncle or cousin outside to knock on the door for me to come Outside to see him. That was a common practice.  What is confusing is, that my father was the only local father in my group of three sibling and me; and he still always found a way to be absent. When my siblings, mother, and me moved away with one of their fathers, he was absent. My siblings' fathers were always present, in their absence: through trips, gifts, child support, and phone calls. I did not see my father react the same, when my family relocated. He simply had no passion and offered no support. 

By nature, I am like my father in personality, looks, and motivation. Because he was present, and I was subconsciously seeking a man -- someone to be like-- he naturally provided a model for my brain to follow. Even though, I tried to follow my own path and self-produced motivation, my makeup for what a man and father had already been shaped. So, I went looking for something I could never find, although my direction was already paved. Not to say I cannot alter a path; but, the effect can be  detrimental and truly unnerving sometimes, as one follows being misguided. In a way, we are what we have become, and then the mind shapes a path from what it knows. I did not realize there was so much conflict; but, I am not realizing why I need to maintain an orchestrated "connection" with a man who has nothing for me. As much as he has bitched about my mother not allowing him to do "this or that," he still has not stepped up to the plate to prove he can give me anything. We do not have conversation more than 3 minutes, and he is mostly talking. I live 2500 miles away, and rarely have opportunity to visit. If he calls and I miss the ring, he gets emotional and acts like I wronged him. I actually have a very strict work schedule and commuting sometimes is all day and all night; it is not always convenient to talk. I find myself trying to fulfill his expectations of the "absent" son; but, honestly, what more could he expect of me? He obviously never offered me the luxury of knowing him, as a real man; he never offered me the chance to fall in love with my father! Who is he and why? To me, he is simply an man who had a relationship with my mother, which produced a child. And, I would say that assessment is how my father has responded to me, as a person -- the child that came during a relationship, which he sabotaged. 

It is unfortunate that I have these feelings and beliefs. I have always wanted to give my father the benefit of doubt. He seems like a nice, attractive fun-loving person. He does well domestically and totally is a people's person. But, he is no good at fatherhood. The best my father ever did to show me a good time was to watch hit movies and eat, at a weekend over. And, he never sat with me; but instead, peeked-in every once and again, standing on the corner, where the living room and exit door met with a can of beer. He never took me shopping, he never played basketball with me (he is a former player), he never taught me drums (he is former player in a band), he never taught me how to barbeque (excellent cook), he never took me to theme parks, or the real movies, or out dining. Always a quick "personal pan" pizza, which he never shared. Am I supposed to appreciate these solitary memories? What sense does that make? As I look back, it demonstrates to me, that truly he has no idea who I am, as a person. If he mindlessly and  absently just watched me grow from age to age, he could not possibly know me, because the things I fathom talking to him about he would not has a foundation for, or try to understand. So, really what good is the common chat from month-to-month. Even from childhood, I still get the feeling at the end of every call, that "wow, I survived another phone call with him. That's done." I abhor small talk! I am sure he is realizing in his old age, that he suffers more not knowing me, than I. I can let go, at this point. Surprising to say. But, I want realness, in my life; I desire truth and I desire fortitude. My dad does not show me, that he can offer me anything to move ahead. He also would never accept the real me, as a man who shows no interest in dating women.

I must also admit that part of the reason, I think, my mind is assessing my bond with my dad is due to the realization that men I have sex with constantly call me "daddy." I use to think this phenomenon was weird, at best. Women and "impressionable men" screaming out and toying with their partner by giving them a pet name reserved for the one who helped birth you. But, "daddy" is quite a phenomenon, and really quite endearing, I'm learning. For someone to delve out such power and authority before another is sexy, whether it's a man or woman choosing this term. It's like saying "I honor and respect what you do, and your passion fills me up." For me, it's like I receive the affection of a man, which I never got as child. And, I have learned that this can be wholesome, not a weakness or dependence. I have learned more regarding life and discipline from my relationship with men, than my biological father ever attempted. I am not trying to persecute him; I just want to understand where my help comes from and honor that place. I want not to have to keep reaching back, or holding onto unsalvageable,  broken pieces. I am believer in moving forward. I certainly do not hate him; but, where is the love? I am colorful, resourceful, and bold; and I am painting a new canvas. 

I have always looked to heavens for a father. Maybe that is why I dream of ideals, like freedom, truth, purpose, and design. Everything I have ever wanted came from above; even now, I do not have much passion or insight into worldly things. I simply enjoy being comfortable, looking and feeling well, and having beautiful things and health surround me. Most times I cannot tell what I want and need from one day to the next. I do not have many long-term goals, except that I want to "be happy" and have wealth. I do not have a plan; I just believe. The principles of the bible are the root of my manhood. And, my mother did that. If she knew my father could teach me anything, he would have. But, look where I get my understanding and knowledge, and more than anything: my power and strength. I was so shy and inferior, as a child. I have overcome that, and so much other childhood despair, stepped out of so many bad adult situations safely, paid so many rent payments, mysteriously, driven my own cars -- bad and good, and after EVERYTHING, still thriving and still alive, and bought gifts galore, ALL through my father which is in heaven. Things I had no courage to do, my father in heaven showed me how. Places I was afraid to go, my father in heaven taught me about and guided the way. Living from day to day without much purpose or family nearby, my father in heaven is present on high, constantly speaking to my heart and demonstrating day-to-day, that I do not have to feel or be alone.

I think life is more important than we make it. It is truly a choice --- your awareness of it. It is truly your own life -- you make what you want from it. You can love, or not love. You can be stagnant, or you can replenish. But, the world is turning, and minds are learning, and people are growing. 

People are getting out. I am getting out -- stripping my mind and my life from an imprisoned relationship, where I and my mother were played to be fools. But today, it is okay; because that was so long ago, that now I am just forcing myself to remember. Holding on, yet already been given control. 

So, I will take reign, and be the man (and daddy!) I have been created to be, to whom it must concern: and, I respect the powers of the universe to keep returning the favor to me. 

All power is to God.