With every journey I take, I realize that nothing is for keeps.
Today, was tough for me. Over the past several months, I have been experiencing and going through so many changes. I've had changes before, but I have always been so spiritually optimistic, that I take them on as challenges and attempt to make the best of a trivial situation. There has always been a disconnect with my thoughts, and what is reality. But, in my defense, I'm a terribly emotional person and I would be dead psychologically, if I saw things without my rose-colored glasses.
I learned today, that my 9-month old Doberman Pinscher is dead.
It was a hard decision to return to Texas, after the professional battles, economic losses, and emotional confrontations I've had here. But, I did it, because I was living with unstable circumstances and I didn't know how to save the dream. Seattle had become my home for the prior three years, and it was my dream to be there. Since, I was a kid and lived there for only a year, then, I was mesmerized by the city; it just brought me to life--my mind, my talents, my freedoms, and my sociability were all no longer a question, for me. I was embraced; I felt included; I thrived in the beauty of the atmosphere; and, for some reason, doors and resources kept opening and opening without much trial. Funny thing is, that I had the audacity to seek after it again, when Texas failed me; my relationships rerouted me; and, my educational opportunities deceived me. And, I was compelled to see and experience the same graces I had as a child, in Seattle, be the same 16 years later.
But, like everything I have worked at, created, and manifested--in my adult life--change and his partner, disappointment, comes to tear down what I am. I cannot measure the losses I've had, for it would be infinite by the amount of time I have had to pursue them. For, in fact, it is the truth, that in everything I gain, I am sure to loose. No completions. No satisfaction. No love. No stability. No peace.
I figured with the hope I had left, after my living situation became trivial & the employment defeats in Seattle, where else could I go to feel secure and refreshed. Home; where else? [I'm not fit to live in the streets, and God knows, I didn't feel close enough to anyone to be taken-in as guest].
They say: "go anywhere but home." And, I've done that, since I left high school. I've travelled coast-to-coast, in search of whatever I felt life had for me, at that moment: love, education, a new car, independence, fresh-starts and, even more love. And, at 30 year-of-age, I'm exhausted.
After leaving Seattle a second time, I was simply unsettled by the efforts I give to succeed at something, and the continual difficulties that ensue. They won't let up, the more I try to push forward. It's a merry-go-round of failures, which I can't make sense of anymore. People, who hardly put forth effort are achieving. People, who are ignorant are blossoming. People, who ridicule life and others are being celebrated! And me, I can hardly keep my head above the poverty-level, in this rat race. Is the world kidding me? Does my personality suck that much? Is my spirit not worthy of expression?
So, I came home to Texas; bought my first dog; and, tried to get free, all over again. I tried to think beyond my struggles. And, I wanted to believe I could think my way out of this situation, just like the rest. My Doberman and I enjoyed brisk walks, in the dark night; taking pictures together; and, eating more Chicken. But, my mother uprooted all that new found glory. She decided to up and leave Texas, hop on some emotional-trip, and cling to a new dick, across the state-line. She left being with her family--over all the Winter Holidays--for a man she hardly knew just two weeks. On her return, she packed up the house in a large U-Haul, broke off things with a long-time, live-in boyfriend, and convinced my siblings and me to drive her and her things to another US State. Again, I found myself--just 5 months from Seattle--being thrown-out, discarded, and handed-over to another uncertain fate.
It was my mother's idea to take my Doberman, Jody, with her. She had grown attached to my puppy, and truly I had nowhere else for Jody to go. The dog was the only possession I had, that was worth anything: monetary or emotional. And, now, after my mother's irresponsibility, my Jody is gone.
Where else do I turn...? Whom else can I call...? Why else is my livelihood being converted?
I am fiercely decided, that something is after me. It's not nice, and has no shame. If I weren't connected mentally to forever, I would already be dead. It's my mind the enemy is trying to have, for I can find no other battles surrounding me. I am troubled day and night with regrets, changes, plans to enhance my future, and trying to maintain my health physically, emotionally, and most importantly, psychologically. I said to myself aloud, just today, "I would put a bullet through my head, if I didn't have Jesus."
I am tormented by my own existence. And, had I not claimed a savior years ago, when I saw myself sinking, I surely would have found a way, in the ground. Death of my sensibilities; my gifts; and my character is surrounding me, daily...and, nothing I can do, or have done, will change that; that much is clear. I have been preparing and resurfacing for something, all my life. That answer is unclear. But, what I do know is, that I have the grandest ability to overcome and overlook a situation, like it never happened.
Not that, I will forget; but, that I have another chance to try at something again. And, that despite the waterfalls and rocky streams, there is yet one more river to cross. So, I'll let that be the reason. I'm near, but the end of all things is not here, yet.
So, who am I to say...who am I to give-in... What am I, without a fist & a fight?
Today, was tough for me. Over the past several months, I have been experiencing and going through so many changes. I've had changes before, but I have always been so spiritually optimistic, that I take them on as challenges and attempt to make the best of a trivial situation. There has always been a disconnect with my thoughts, and what is reality. But, in my defense, I'm a terribly emotional person and I would be dead psychologically, if I saw things without my rose-colored glasses.
I learned today, that my 9-month old Doberman Pinscher is dead.
It was a hard decision to return to Texas, after the professional battles, economic losses, and emotional confrontations I've had here. But, I did it, because I was living with unstable circumstances and I didn't know how to save the dream. Seattle had become my home for the prior three years, and it was my dream to be there. Since, I was a kid and lived there for only a year, then, I was mesmerized by the city; it just brought me to life--my mind, my talents, my freedoms, and my sociability were all no longer a question, for me. I was embraced; I felt included; I thrived in the beauty of the atmosphere; and, for some reason, doors and resources kept opening and opening without much trial. Funny thing is, that I had the audacity to seek after it again, when Texas failed me; my relationships rerouted me; and, my educational opportunities deceived me. And, I was compelled to see and experience the same graces I had as a child, in Seattle, be the same 16 years later.
But, like everything I have worked at, created, and manifested--in my adult life--change and his partner, disappointment, comes to tear down what I am. I cannot measure the losses I've had, for it would be infinite by the amount of time I have had to pursue them. For, in fact, it is the truth, that in everything I gain, I am sure to loose. No completions. No satisfaction. No love. No stability. No peace.
I figured with the hope I had left, after my living situation became trivial & the employment defeats in Seattle, where else could I go to feel secure and refreshed. Home; where else? [I'm not fit to live in the streets, and God knows, I didn't feel close enough to anyone to be taken-in as guest].
They say: "go anywhere but home." And, I've done that, since I left high school. I've travelled coast-to-coast, in search of whatever I felt life had for me, at that moment: love, education, a new car, independence, fresh-starts and, even more love. And, at 30 year-of-age, I'm exhausted.
After leaving Seattle a second time, I was simply unsettled by the efforts I give to succeed at something, and the continual difficulties that ensue. They won't let up, the more I try to push forward. It's a merry-go-round of failures, which I can't make sense of anymore. People, who hardly put forth effort are achieving. People, who are ignorant are blossoming. People, who ridicule life and others are being celebrated! And me, I can hardly keep my head above the poverty-level, in this rat race. Is the world kidding me? Does my personality suck that much? Is my spirit not worthy of expression?
So, I came home to Texas; bought my first dog; and, tried to get free, all over again. I tried to think beyond my struggles. And, I wanted to believe I could think my way out of this situation, just like the rest. My Doberman and I enjoyed brisk walks, in the dark night; taking pictures together; and, eating more Chicken. But, my mother uprooted all that new found glory. She decided to up and leave Texas, hop on some emotional-trip, and cling to a new dick, across the state-line. She left being with her family--over all the Winter Holidays--for a man she hardly knew just two weeks. On her return, she packed up the house in a large U-Haul, broke off things with a long-time, live-in boyfriend, and convinced my siblings and me to drive her and her things to another US State. Again, I found myself--just 5 months from Seattle--being thrown-out, discarded, and handed-over to another uncertain fate.
It was my mother's idea to take my Doberman, Jody, with her. She had grown attached to my puppy, and truly I had nowhere else for Jody to go. The dog was the only possession I had, that was worth anything: monetary or emotional. And, now, after my mother's irresponsibility, my Jody is gone.
Where else do I turn...? Whom else can I call...? Why else is my livelihood being converted?
I am fiercely decided, that something is after me. It's not nice, and has no shame. If I weren't connected mentally to forever, I would already be dead. It's my mind the enemy is trying to have, for I can find no other battles surrounding me. I am troubled day and night with regrets, changes, plans to enhance my future, and trying to maintain my health physically, emotionally, and most importantly, psychologically. I said to myself aloud, just today, "I would put a bullet through my head, if I didn't have Jesus."
I am tormented by my own existence. And, had I not claimed a savior years ago, when I saw myself sinking, I surely would have found a way, in the ground. Death of my sensibilities; my gifts; and my character is surrounding me, daily...and, nothing I can do, or have done, will change that; that much is clear. I have been preparing and resurfacing for something, all my life. That answer is unclear. But, what I do know is, that I have the grandest ability to overcome and overlook a situation, like it never happened.
Not that, I will forget; but, that I have another chance to try at something again. And, that despite the waterfalls and rocky streams, there is yet one more river to cross. So, I'll let that be the reason. I'm near, but the end of all things is not here, yet.
So, who am I to say...who am I to give-in... What am I, without a fist & a fight?
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