I'm thirty-years old, and I'm early-morning pissing in a Happy Birthday cup, in my kid brother's living room. His bitch already told me to stop using her lights, during the day; but, I can't stop the mishappenings of my crippled, but laughable existence. (I'll probably cry, if I ever get this f-ing blog posted!)
It's continuously a mary-go-'round navigating this course of a dream, in which I've led myself. Yes, woo is me, and at this point it must be acceptable to realize the victor and the villain, in my life. I won't badger, or blister my head (literally) over its lack of foresight or connection to any truths, including the ones manifested in a younger, more impressionable me. In fact, this is still very much part of my motive and facets. I can, will, and have delivered what I am, as it becomes real to me. That's a type of freedom.
So, I'm thirty, and I'm probably about a quarter of the man I portray. I think to/in/for power, but I'm hanging by my bootstraps and I'm secretly being controlled. By my sex partner, my family, my circumstances, my past, by authority & forces-that-be, and the creator of it all. (Is that me, or Jesus' father?). In any case, I know no different. I'm just a product of my raising, and the challenge has always seemed to be within...so, here I flow.
I met this seemingly brilliant young man last night. He insisted I call him "Daddy." We did some amazing things. I was up and I was down....but all the time he was inside. Telling me who I was, how to use my body, and asking who he was...."Daddy!" Over and over... Honestly, never called anyone Daddy, that much on life. I probably sounded weird, but this man used me like I was his to take. I was so down for him. It's been a great 11 years since I felt so good. And really; beyond the pleasure, I felt healed. Like he touches a special place, both inside me and within me. He is sensitive but passionate. Affectionate but demanding. Kind and concerned. I feel like I have built so many barriers to intimacy, so I as not even actualize it, if it's possible. But with "the Great," there is an instinctive understanding and longing for both of us. One the second night, after a 12 hour day of connecting and sensuality, where he convinced me "you ain...
Comments
Post a Comment